2012

2012 was a rocky year for me when it comes to relationships. I broke up with Todd.

Tahnee and I had a rough year too. Josh attacked Caitlin and we sent him to Juvie for the night.

Caitlin got married to Randy on July 21st 2012. They moved and took all the animals except Ebony to Glendive MT where she lives in a small farm house on about 40 acres.

Now, I'm living in a small 3 bed 2 bath apartment with no garage. It's cozy and I'm pretty happy. Tahnee lives with me and Josh went to live with his father back in Oregon. He is unhappy there right now but I know he will adjust and grow as a man and a better person for it. His father can give him the level of discipline that I can't at his age.

I'm SINGLE.

I joined some personals ads. I'm not sure what to think of that avenue for meeting men. You have to kiss a LOT of frogs before one turns into a prince. Right?

I miss my horses. I want so much to bring my warmblood mare and stallion Justy home in the spring. But board is SOOO friggin expensive.

I'm hoping that 2013 will find me traveling a bit more than I did in 2012. I want to go to Vegas, Portland, The coast of Oregon, and maybe even back east if I get a chance. I want to save some  money too and maybe buy a new model of car. I want to lose some of this extra weight, like about 15 lbs and I'd be a lot happier. Living alone with Tahnee, we won't eat much so I should expect to lose some. I just have to make an effort.

So there ya go... an update into my life. I'm content being single but for some reason I would love to date and be spoiled occasionally. Is that so bad?

Riggin Wade Dowdy

I want to introduce the newest light of my life: Riggin Wade Dowdy. When I look at my grandson, I fall in love with him more every day. His arrival into my life created some chaos but nothing I wasn't willing to deal with. He was the straw that broke the camel's back when my ex husband said: "It's either Caitlin or me." He didn't want to be a part of raising a baby or to even support me as I supported my daughter in her time of need. So, I responded as most mothers would. I said. "Her.". I have no regrets, however I am sad that I loved a man very much and he forced me to choose between my blood and him.

Riggin also seems to be a light at the end of a tunnel for his daddy Randy. At first Randy got scared when he found out Caitlin was pregnant. He ran fast and hard... all the way to Williston ND, from John Day, OR. But now Randy sees Riggin as a life-saver and a reason for working hard and living. He comes as often as possible to where we live in Driggs Idaho to stay with us and take care of his son. Randy is a proud daddy and Riggin is lucky to have him. Caitlin is lucky too because she and Randy are very  much in love... as it should be.

Driggs, Idaho

I moved my family to Driggs Idaho. It took a year to get over my broken heart.

Here is a blog I wrote before my move:

I didn't really believe everyone when I was told that getting over a divorce really takes at least a year, regardless of who initiated that divorce. But I believe it now.


For the past year I have been either sleeping or angry and blind to anything other than the sad sorry state my life was in. I hung onto memories of a better time in my life. A time that Andy gave me. I didn't realise that I was holding onto his tools in my shed or the couch that we spent so much time together getting put together. I held onto looking at photos of the homes he and I shared. I held on to anger because I had felt abandoned by my husband, even though it was I who filed for the divorce. I felt left in a dilapidated rental that had the original windows (single paned) original carpet from 1976, and NO insulation, while my husband was living a life of luxury. I was angry and jealous and didn't even realise it. In trying to deny and hide my bitterness I became blind to things around me. I had to take a job as a crewmember at McDonalds and reminded myself every day that at least I had a job. But inside my heart I was angry about that turn of events in my career. I see that now.

"Let's move to Jackson", Todd said.

"Absolutely not!" I responded. "Jackson has too much snow and it's too far from home". I wanted to move back to the Portland area where I was familiar. I'm glad that for some reason I changed my mind about Jackson. Yet, even after deciding to move there, I was still in a dark place and I didn't even know it. I know it now.

"I'll work at Four Seasons Resort". Hearing myself say that to others started to make me think of the potential this opportunity has for me.

"I've rented a gorgeous home on acreage for my horses". Hearing myself say this has begun to make me realise that I'm finally getting out of the life I've been so miserable in and angry about.

As I sold my ex husband's tools, I began to wake up. I began to smile. As I sell the couch, I am glad to let go of it and get a new one after I get to the new life I'm heading to. I'm taking a step forward. At last.

I woke up this morning smiling even though I still have so much work ahead of me for this move and this change to take place. As I brushed my teeth, I noticed that my hair has grown long. "When did that happen?" I asked myself. "And how did I gain this much weight?" I guess during my miserable dark period things were happening that I either didn't or couldn't notice. I didn't care. Well, I care now. My hair needs a trim; not much because I like it long. My diet needs some attention. I need to lose that 20 pounds like I'm losing a couch and tools and darkness, bitterness and anger.

When it comes to my children, Tahnee and Josh have suffered the most. They just existed because they were there. I fed them, fought with them, went to their school functions because I was expected to and bought them new shoes because I needed to. I can't really say that they have endured me because they are still very angry with me. Caitlin has been the only person I have been really close to this last year. She's the only one I was happy to be around. I know why this is the case, however there are no excuses for the fact that I favor Caitlin and Riggin in my life over everything and everyone else. She's the only one in my life who hasn't suffered because of my depression. I'm sorry about that. Caitlin and I share a love of horses. We are friends even though she is my daughter. I hope that I can have this kind of relationship with both Tahnee and Josh someday; that we find mutual interests and share them.

So now I'm waking up, apologizing for sleeping so long and getting my ass in gear to get back to a life I know I can do on my own. I never needed a husband to do these things and realizing this has helped me move on.

I'm buying a gorgeous new couch as soon as I get to Driggs. I'm going to wake up before dawn that first morning there and watch the sun rise over the Grand Teton outside my back door. I'm going to drink that cup of coffee and move on with my life... smiling and happy.

May 15, 2011:

My view is gorgeous. My daughter Caitlin has her first job in a daycare where she can take Riggin and not pay for her own childcare. My son and daughter Tahnee are settling in; Tahnee more so than Josh, but I'm hoping by next year he'll have made some good friends and won't be so homesick for John Day OR and his girlfriend he has there, Samantha Brock.

I'm hoping in a year from now, I will be a completely new and improved woman with a solid career and have a happy life. I'm working on that.....

Bass Fishing Summer 2010

I thought I had learned to Bass Fish. Well.... No. I learn more and more every time I go.

During the summer of 2010 I spent many nights camping on the John Day river near Kimberly, OR. Early morning bites, Top Water Lures, Rubber worms... salty tastes and hard hits! I got my own fishing pole: A Pink UGLY STICK. I named her "Mordrid the Bass Murderer". So far, that is all she has been able to catch; other than sucker fish which are bad news anyway. Worthless. I tried Cat fishing with her (Mordrid) on the Owyhee Reservoir, but nope... she only caught two bass. One Smalley and one Large Mouth. Neither of any remarkable size.

But.............. my pride and joy was my third trip bass fishing with Todd Berry. He was teaching me how to use Top Water Lures and THIS is what I got.... Mind you, this size of Smalleys usually are NOT caught by top water lures, but rather worms.

Here is my female (assumed) Small Mouth Bass. Measuring in at 20" long and 5 whopping pounds heavy!

Yay me... she's soon to be mounted on my wall at home. I have the fever now!

I spend a lot of time with my horses. They stay with my mother just out of John Day Oregon. I live in town but spend every day I can with them. Today I took a friend (PJ) with me to play with my two thoroughbreds. The gray is Beau. He turned two years old in August of 2009. He's a BIG boy. The black mare is "Fast Date" but we call her Magic. She is a retired race horse with blood lines to Forty-niner, Prospector, Halo, War Admiral and Man O'War. She won money in every race until her last one in 2007 where she fell on the track broken down. Now she's my baby and we have really bonded. I occasionally have to remind them that I am still the ALPHA (leader) but other than a lesson every now and then, they are pretty good on the ground and above. I don't ride Beau because he's so young still. But he is trained to ride (beginning). He needs several hours on him and to be worked a lot more with his flexion so he gives to the rein.

Enjoy the picture.... It reminds me that life is ok here in John Day Oregon.