Here is a blog I wrote before my move:
I didn't really believe everyone when I was told that getting over a divorce really takes at least a year, regardless of who initiated that divorce. But I believe it now.
For the past year I have been either sleeping or angry and blind to anything other than the sad sorry state my life was in. I hung onto memories of a better time in my life. A time that Andy gave me. I didn't realise that I was holding onto his tools in my shed or the couch that we spent so much time together getting put together. I held onto looking at photos of the homes he and I shared. I held on to anger because I had felt abandoned by my husband, even though it was I who filed for the divorce. I felt left in a dilapidated rental that had the original windows (single paned) original carpet from 1976, and NO insulation, while my husband was living a life of luxury. I was angry and jealous and didn't even realise it. In trying to deny and hide my bitterness I became blind to things around me. I had to take a job as a crewmember at McDonalds and reminded myself every day that at least I had a job. But inside my heart I was angry about that turn of events in my career. I see that now.
"Let's move to Jackson", Todd said.
"Absolutely not!" I responded. "Jackson has too much snow and it's too far from home". I wanted to move back to the Portland area where I was familiar. I'm glad that for some reason I changed my mind about Jackson. Yet, even after deciding to move there, I was still in a dark place and I didn't even know it. I know it now.
"I'll work at Four Seasons Resort". Hearing myself say that to others started to make me think of the potential this opportunity has for me.
"I've rented a gorgeous home on acreage for my horses". Hearing myself say this has begun to make me realise that I'm finally getting out of the life I've been so miserable in and angry about.
As I sold my ex husband's tools, I began to wake up. I began to smile. As I sell the couch, I am glad to let go of it and get a new one after I get to the new life I'm heading to. I'm taking a step forward. At last.
I woke up this morning smiling even though I still have so much work ahead of me for this move and this change to take place. As I brushed my teeth, I noticed that my hair has grown long. "When did that happen?" I asked myself. "And how did I gain this much weight?" I guess during my miserable dark period things were happening that I either didn't or couldn't notice. I didn't care. Well, I care now. My hair needs a trim; not much because I like it long. My diet needs some attention. I need to lose that 20 pounds like I'm losing a couch and tools and darkness, bitterness and anger.
When it comes to my children, Tahnee and Josh have suffered the most. They just existed because they were there. I fed them, fought with them, went to their school functions because I was expected to and bought them new shoes because I needed to. I can't really say that they have endured me because they are still very angry with me. Caitlin has been the only person I have been really close to this last year. She's the only one I was happy to be around. I know why this is the case, however there are no excuses for the fact that I favor Caitlin and Riggin in my life over everything and everyone else. She's the only one in my life who hasn't suffered because of my depression. I'm sorry about that. Caitlin and I share a love of horses. We are friends even though she is my daughter. I hope that I can have this kind of relationship with both Tahnee and Josh someday; that we find mutual interests and share them.
So now I'm waking up, apologizing for sleeping so long and getting my ass in gear to get back to a life I know I can do on my own. I never needed a husband to do these things and realizing this has helped me move on.
I'm buying a gorgeous new couch as soon as I get to Driggs. I'm going to wake up before dawn that first morning there and watch the sun rise over the Grand Teton outside my back door. I'm going to drink that cup of coffee and move on with my life... smiling and happy.
May 15, 2011:
My view is gorgeous. My daughter Caitlin has her first job in a daycare where she can take Riggin and not pay for her own childcare. My son and daughter Tahnee are settling in; Tahnee more so than Josh, but I'm hoping by next year he'll have made some good friends and won't be so homesick for John Day OR and his girlfriend he has there, Samantha Brock.
I'm hoping in a year from now, I will be a completely new and improved woman with a solid career and have a happy life. I'm working on that.....
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